i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
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the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
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The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
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