I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
