I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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