Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
i want to swaddle you in tequila
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
