he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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