i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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