it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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