No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
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