Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.