I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
