So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.