So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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