I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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