She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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