the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
