I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
