I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
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