sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
