please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I need to align my fucking chakras
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
