Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
