my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
