im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize
