She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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