my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
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