Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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