I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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