1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
