She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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