I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
