The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
