I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
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