Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
