Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize