I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Randomize
