she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
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