just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
