I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
