Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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