She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
