I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
