Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
