I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
