and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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