did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
