ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
