I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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