I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
