I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
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