yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
