I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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