I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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