I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
