Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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