Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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