Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
