My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
