life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Why is your signature on my underwear?
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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