I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
