I wish I only lived at night.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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