sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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