i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
accomplished twins. life is a go
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Randomize
