Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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