I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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