I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
