How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
