I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
