uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
